When should “SPICY” be considered “Fetish Food”? / by MEAT ME

I really do not know. When is hot, too hot? How about when you can’t feel your mouth anymore? Or when you are in so much pain you can not taste anything? After about 10 bites I had to call it quits. Every Saturday and Sunday on Sunset Boulevard there is a line of about 30 to 50 people waiting to eat at The Griddle Cafe. After a few recommendations I decided to suck it up and check it out.

I got there early during the week so the wait would be short and on a cloudy day in LA no one wants to sit outside anyways. Plus, as much as I would love to have an audience watch me eat, the people standing around are going to drive me crazy.

I walk in and notice that everyone has giant pancakes on their plates so I am slowly guessing that this is what they are known for. What to do? I want MEAT not a fluffy pancake.

The server sits down with us and I explain to him my situation. I need MEAT. Whatever they are known for I need it in MEAT form. He mentioned a few things but kept coming back to the “Too Hot to Handle”. It was a burger with grilled jalapeños, jack cheese, chipotle sauce, pico de gallo, and avocado. I was torn this point. I wanted something impressive and BIG. This was supposedly the “IT” thing to get, but not the GINORMOUS that I was looking for.

I thought about the Stray Cat Café and how I the waitress had me turn down the spicy challenge sandwich because I wasn’t going to enjoy it. Why not find out what hell I was missing. So… I ordered it.

In the meantime Laura got the coffee. It came in a lovely French press and, from what I could understand, was very gourmet like. I always stick with the epic “diet coke”. The service wasn’t bad and the vibe inside is always very exciting. The people standing around did begin to feel a bit “cattle like” but I was over it once I couldn’t feel my face (hold on I’ll explain).

Sooner rather than later the food was here. Laura ordered the Oreo Pancakes aka “Black Magic” and it was already looking more impressive than mine.  I took one look at mine and I could feel myself start to sweat. You could see the jalapeños peeking out from under the bun. It was like they were taunting me.

I got comfortable and took my first bite. Not to bad. It was reasonably tasty. I took a few more bites and after the 5th bite it hit me. I was miserable as fuck. My mouth was on fire… Why the fuck would people want to do this to themselves? My scalp was sweating, eyes were watering and my mouth was burning so much I couldn’t feel it, let alone taste anything.

This was my own fault. I wanted to see what I was missing and now I can barley see anything. This must be the “S&M” of food. Why would someone want to be in this much pain? It must take a certain type of person to eat food like this and enjoy it. Like the people that who have their entire body covered in tattoos or whip each other when they are bound and gagged. The only other person I know who has does like stuff like this is covered in tats. This is “fetish food” it has to be. It is just not for everyone and should be categorized as such. If my grandma ate this she would fucking die. There should be a special place the menu called “S&M Food” or “Fetish Food”. It should not be on there with the rest of the other food. Plus as someone who works in branding if you bring special attention to something like this, something no one else is doing on their menu (hint, hint) more people are inclined to order it.

It falls under the “You want what you can’t have…” category.

So with that said I am determined to finish this fucking thing. I take a break for 2 to 3 minutes and go right back at it. I can only get a bite or 2 in at a time between breaks. This is not fun at all and I am not enjoying the French fries because I can’t taste them.

I get about half way through the burger and I have to call it quits. It is just not worth it. I don’t have any other solutions as to how I am going to finish this burger. At this point I feel bound, gagged, and beaten.

“I can not do it anymore!”

Laura’s Oreo pancakes were nowhere near as painful and were compared to that of a ballet, beautiful and decadent. She also admired the crunch of the Oreo mixed with the fluffiness of the pancakes. The sausage and bacon were wholesome and satisfying, just as meat should be.

The price was about right for that much food but this was not something I was going to take home. Except for the pancakes, she snacked on those for days, so that was well worth it. I am going to have to try this place again and find something more rewarding on the menu. I know it is there I just have to find it…

It’s too HOT I am out of here… MEAT ME!

For more about The Griddle Café:
Twitter @thegriddlecafe

Say No to Fire,
Sean Rice