The Story of the Lettuce and the Hair… / by MEAT ME

Could vegetables make my meat taste better? I have been in denial for so long. I had even avoided the combination on vegies and meat at the same location/restaurant. I just hated it. Literally could not stand it. Every cheeseburger I have gotten since I could remember was just beef with mustard, mayo, and cheese. All that and it was heaven. Until NOW!

Laura, my girlfriend (Yes! I finally said her name, I am tired of coming up with pronouns to describe my better half.) and I were out trying to have lunch at the much talked about Animal on Fairfax (BTW why does the northern part of Fairfax look like a dump?). Well couldn’t find it and when I called they were closed for a private party. So that was the end of that. I figured we would head to the “Grove” down the street and see what they had. I knew there was a burger place opening up, in the farmers market. Of course it is not open till the 18th. I can’t remember the name. So shit out-of-luck again. I remembered something about The Farm Restaurant, Beverly Hills right next to the movie theater, I heard it was not bad so third time is a charm.

The weather was not to chill so we sat out side… My nice camera was with my friend Tony in Japan (that thing has been more places than I have) so I am stuck with my little Canon digital elph. I need as much light as I can get.  They sat us outside and my chair was right on top of a pole. So we moved everything over. I am a big guy and the place was pretty open so they stick the fat guy in the tight corner between the post and the table. Back in the day when I hosted we actually thought about people. We didn’t just stand there on a smart phone spewing out insecure garbage to random people on Facebook hoping someone will like me. We were aware of people’s personal space and how they would be most comfortable.

The menu here is pretty basic and they claim to use only the freshest farm food locally and organically grown. Even the hair that comes with it! (Hold on I am getting to that.) I could not find anything that really grabbed my eye so I asked our waiter what was the shit on the menu (You know what there known for!) He recommended… The Ahi 3 ways, boring had that before. Something else (can’t remember, it was boring and then the Buffalo Blue Burger… Organic buffalo, melted blue cheese, fresh and oven-roasted tomatoes, caramelized onions, butter lettuce & mayo on a King’s Hawaiian sweet roll. I stopped for a second. Now I could take all the veggies off, I always do that but what would it taste like if I left everything on … Fuck it! I can always take it off.

Laura got the Pear & Brie half sandwich with a cup of cauliflower soup. Drinks came quick service so far, pretty good. FYI they clam local and organic which I am not doubting, but I can’t remember the last time I have seen an actual Buffalo in the area of LA so I am guessing locally caries a wider definition than mine. I am not nit picking, just taking note (Laura says they have buffalo on Catalina Island).

I look over and this seven foot black women walks buy and there are 2 paparazzi following her clicking off camera’s going nuts. They follower her all the way up to the door harassing her with questions.  She goes in and they stand outside and wait for her to come back out. It looks like stalking. Now I have no idea who this is (if any one knows tell me) but it just seems crazy to live like that. You must really have to love what you do to put up with that. Cause let me tell you there are days that I am out-and-about in a horrible mood (when I am haven’t eaten of course) and if someone even looks at me in a weird way I snap. I could not imagine having that type of self-control with people that in-your-face!

Most of the time “The Grove” is a very nice and peaceful place. This is the first week in December and this place is pretty chill. Even the babies are pretty quiet, probably because they know Santa is watching. In general this is a great place to come and enjoy a nice day. The music is always season appropriate.

The food comes and this burger is stacked, Laura’s sandwich is oozing sex. I mean look at it that is a sexy sandwich. Yes I am talking about the sandwich. My burger is so gorgeous. It really is colorful. The whole presentation overall is very exciting. I pick it up and I kid you not. It was like holding a little puppy. I loved it but I was so unsure with all the vegetables. It looked like a lot of veggies. I had the same feeling I did as a kid right before I might dive into a pool for the first time… Scared to death! So I bit in. Laura said my eyes opened wide like I had pooped my pants. It was like I discovered something for the first time. It happened, this burger was bully I finally confronted. It wasn’t that the buffalo meat had no flavor, it’s that the cheese and veggies made it so much better. There I said it!

It was the difference between watching Avatar on a 16” television in standard definition versus watching it in 3D on a 72” HD television. The movie itself is awesome but in 3D on a big television in high definition it’s fucking captivating. Just like this burger.  The French fries were like that kiss you get right after sex. The perfect compliment.

Laura’s sandwich just about melted in her mouth. All except for the bread, it was tasty and she let me have a bite. Her soup was described as tasting just like Christmas. So between the location, the temperature, and the flavor nothing could be better.

So I am done right? No! I am finishing off my fries and I look and notice a big ginormous hair. It gives me the chills just thinking about it. I finally found a place to enjoy a nice day and then the record scratches and it is all over. Why? Why did it have to end like that? I really wanted to believe that it was mine (I can feel the acid building in my stomach that’s how grossed out I am) but my hair isn’t black and neither is Laura’s. So it had to be theirs.

I could have complained but everything was just so perfect. My newfound love for meat and veggies together was so exciting and I didn’t want it to be about this stupid fucking hair. GOD I have goose bumps writing about this. I did not say a word about it. I just tipped and left. Sure, if I wanted to make the meal about one horrible hair I could but that was up to me and I decided to make it about the meat. It should always be about the meat!

I figured eventually people would call me on it and I would have to eat my meat with veggies anyways (They do rave about it sometimes). At least this way I got to do it on my own. So this week I encourage everyone to try something they haven’t eaten since they were a kid. In the way that the people we grew up with look different now, may be flavors will taste different in your mouth.

Please share your renewed food stories on Facebook @ I would love to hear about food you hated as a kid but love now or you can go MEAT ME!

You can find out more about The Farm Beverly Hills @

Make it about the MEAT,
Sean Rice